on the bus back home, i watch you sleep. head pushed against the window, creating steam evaporation with your breath. it's like country sceneries are being projected onto it, we're a little high up and i shiver at the thought. we've decided to be rebels so it's too late for seatbelts, we're too cool for school, you and me and yet you're dribbling like a baby now while I giggle silently. One earphone hanging precariously, asleep to music you wished i would like, but i don't. Three days don't seem enough, yet they've been everything. It's like three days have encompassed our whole relationship, beginning to end and now we don't know where we stand.
I pull out my earphone and place it on your chest, slowly take your arm off and push out of the seat. The bus lolls and shakes against the rough roads. all our friends are asleep, head against head, quiet mumbling. empty coke bottles we filled with secret wine and puke behind someone's seat. we felt like rock stars for the past few days and we all look the part to, tangled manes of hair and greyish lids. one hour of sleep is all we've had and hallucinations aren't a new thing any more. D, E and I are squashed together in one seat and the love i feel for this whole bus is suddenly incredible. like an out of body experience. freezing this, here and now would be enough to keep me breathing forever. but the bus moves on and hits a bump, im falling slowly.
hands grab my waist and im pulled into J. lap. The one person that makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong just by looking at him. Your not mine, oh no. And I should never let you be. You face is three centimeters from mine and you smirk that self contented smile, like im won over or something. but im not a cheat, even though your a potential. i put my hands on the arm rest to heave myself up but you hold on tightly and say something too inappropriate. i tell you to fuck off, which seems harsh, and suddenly kills any inkling i might have had. i escape your grip and glance around for D's eyes, but she's asleep, and no one saw, and im facing a moral dilemma by keeping this quiet, but id die before breaking her heart. i look at your smirk and shake my head, because you make her feel suspended in clouds, and yet you're not all that she makes you out to be.
out of the bathroom, i go to my seat, and you open your eyes. you smile and i smile back and we pretend nothings in our minds. that we're not thinking 'what next?' or 'what if?' That we don't know that this was all a short dream and that our hearts won't be in it anymore because this was a short romance and those feeling disperse sooner or later. We pretend we don't know that the other is wondering about breaking it off, but feels to frightened because this is such a comfort. To take uncertainty instead of comfort seems laughable, but we're considering it - and we pretend.
memories of a late night rambler,